Danielle Monroe

Sometimes its difficult to function when no one around you needs you. Or worse, your loved ones are struggling but you can’t do a thing about it. It is, in fact, an impossible situation. Today, I had an anxiety attack. I didn’t know what it was at first as I have never had one before. I didn’t think I was the type to have anxiety attacks. It came out of nowhere. It felt as if there was a long, heavy weight against my chest causing difficulty breathing. And I felt as if I was trembling, but I wasn’t. It was as if my blood and muscles were crawling around one another, but my skin didn’t want anyone to see. It was terrifying in part because it was so unexpected. Hindsight, I can see what the trigger was. One anxiety caused an initial reaction and deeper anxieties took over. I’m worried about my family. They’re going through so many changes, facing so many challenges and I’m so far away. I want to comfort them, make their lives easier, but I also want to stay as far away as possible.

I’m very open about my life and I realize that makes some uncomfortable. I don’t get embarrassed by much (save for erotic cheese dreams). If I’m asked something about myself I will answer it to my best ability whether it pertains to bodily functions or my greatest fears in life. But, I admit I don’t like talking about myself very often. I’m usually more interested in what someone else has to say because I have to live with myself all the time. Been there, done that. And also, I can’t take a compliment. In reflecting on my current stresses I see that I am truly helpless. I cannot help anyone.  I cannot solve anything. Even more so I make things worse for others by stressing over them. I am a character in the classic damsel in distress - knight hero plot. Except I’m not the damsel. Without someone to save I’m just a guy sitting on a horse.

With all that said there is one thing that pleasantly surprised me today as I was overtaken. Often times when I watch movie or plays I’m more aware of what the writer intended me to feel rather than what I’m actually feeling. I have a difficult time connecting with emotional displays. This makes me feel rather empty sometimes. I instantly go to logic. I understand that emotional responses are often caused by physical ones. People usually assume its the other way around. For example, if you hold your breath and suck in your abdomen you will most likely feel something like fear. I wrote about this some time ago - our emotional muscle memory. And so I often focus on what the body is doing rather than the cause of the trauma. But today, I was overtaken by worry that, at the time, didn’t seem to have a cause. Something seemed to have been brewing inside of me. It’s nice to know that I can be overtaken by emotion, whatever the direction. That I’m not always so cold.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008 at 8:43 pm and is filed under Personal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.